Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic that is often used by people who are narcissistic—or who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When a person gaslights you, they often do so to gain control, make you question yourself, which minimizes your self-confidence, and distort your perception of reality. During gaslighting, there is an intentional manipulation of information, emotions, and events to make you doubt your own memory of events, your judgment, and even your sanity. Understanding how gaslighting works can help you recognize and protect yourself from its effects. Below we will discuss a few specific aspects of gaslighting so you can identify if and when a narcissistic person is trying to manipulate and control you.

Denial and discrediting you.

Gaslighters deny or invalidate the experiences, feelings, or concerns of those they are trying to manipulate or control. They may outrightly deny events that have occurred or distort the facts to make themselves appear innocent and make you appear unreliable. They will undermine your confidence by making you question your perception of reality. Common statements that gaslighters make include: “You’re overreacting,” “That never happened,” or “You’re imagining things.” By consistently denying or discrediting your experiences, gaslighters can eventually make you lose trust in your own memories and judgments.

Constant shifting of blame.

Gaslighters rarely take responsibility for their actions and will instead shift blame onto you, making you feel responsible for the problems or issues in the relationship. They often twist stories to portray themselves as victims or to justify their wrongful actions. For example, a gaslighter might say, “You made me do it” or “If you wouldn’t have done this, I wouldn’t have reacted like that.” By deflecting responsibility onto you, a gaslighter manipulates your emotions and makes you doubt your innocence.

Minimizing your feelings and belittling.

Gaslighters will often minimize your feelings and will try to convince you that your emotions, experiences, or concerns are not important—or are not valid or real. They may dismiss your thoughts, calling you irrational or claiming that you’re exaggerating. Gaslighters will often resort to mocking you by throwing your vulnerabilities in your face. They will take something you confided in them about and will use it against you to try to manipulate you or prove their own point. This constant invalidation and dismissal of your feelings can eventually make you question your own worth and feel like your feelings and perspectives are insignificant.

Contradictions and going in circles.

Gaslighters create confusion and contradiction by providing inconsistent or contradictory information. Arguments and discussions with them can often feel like you’re going in circles. They might say one thing and then deny having said it, leading to you becoming confused and frustrated. This back and forth makes can make it difficult for you to trust your own memory and perception of events since the gaslighter is manipulating the truth and distorting reality.

Isolating you from others.

Gaslighters will go to great lengths to try to isolate you from external support systems and from other people who can provide you with realistic feedback and guidance. They don’t want anyone providing you good advice because this can potentially expose them. Narcissistic people fear being exposed for who they really are because they risk losing the control they have over the victim. Gaslighters will often undermine your relationships with family, friends, or co-workers to create an environment where you are dependent on them for validation and approval. By cutting off your support network, gaslighters have more control over you because you’ll be less likely to seek outside perspectives or validation of your experiences.

Gaslighting is usually not a one-time occurrence. Instead, it is a pattern of behavior that occurs over a long period of time and often worsens over time. You can protect yourself from gaslighting by recognizing the signs, trusting your instincts, and establishing boundaries to set limits with the gaslighter.

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